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This project is designed to reach out to all bereaved dads and to provide a conduit to share their stories. One of my goals is to bring awareness to the impacts that child loss has on fathers and to let society know that it’s okay for a father to grieve the loss of a child. A father shouldn’t have to hide his pain or feel ashamed to show his emotions.
Since I too am a bereaved father, I realize that there isn’t much information or support services for men that have lost children. As men, we may get a few pages in a grief book that tell us how to respond to the grieving mother, but I haven’t been able to find many books that tell us how to help ourselves. Often times, men feel shame for not being able to “get over it” or “get back at it” like society thinks we should.
The ultimate goal of this project is to create a book that represents a cross-section of bereaved fathers. I want anyone who picks up this book to be able to relate with someone else’s story so that they don’t feel so alone in their journey through grief. To let them know that other dads have traveled this path or are currently on the same path.
The stories you will read on this site will not only surprise you, they will move you to look at things a little differently. Not to take “I’m fine, don’t worry about me” at face value and the stories will challenge you to dig a little deeper as a grieving dad, grief professional or a close family/friend to a father that has lost a child. I am so glad you found this blog, help me spread the word.
I have added your site as a “resource” on my website. Thank you for speaking out, like you I founded Heartache To Healing when I felt there was a lack or true heartfelt support at the time of my losses…
This is an incredible resource. Thank you for helping to lift some of the silence that surrounds the emotional health and wellbeing of men. Ditto to the above comment – I will be sharing this as a resource to my readers.
My husband and I were talking about this very subject this afternoon – so after we got home from kayaking I simply googled grieving dads, and found you – we too are grieving parents. I write extensively about it, and have a blog as well. However, my husband felt that I needed to also incorporate a dad’s view of the struggle. My husband is a very quiet and intensely private man, but how he grieves.
I will be following your project and blog, and have sent this link to several of the dad’s that I know that have lost their child.
Warmest Regards,
Lisa
Lisa,
I am glad you Googled GrievingDads and I am glad you found me. I am so very sorry for your loss. Addressing the fathers point of view is very important on so many levels. Thank you for sharing this site with other dads. I hope they can find some sort of connection with the other dads that visit and share their stories/comments. It has become a place for men to not feel so alone in their journey. I am encouraged to continue bringing awareness to this issue.
Peace. Kelly
Hello Kelly,
I’ve been exploring your website and blog, and wanted to let you know that I admire and support the work you’re doing. As you know, there is a huge unmet need for it.
I’ve just posted a couple of tweets pointing people to your site and blog. I hope you’ll have a few new visitors as a result.
Best wishes for continued success with this project.
Regards,
Rick Belden
Kelly,
I am so sorry for the loss of your children.
Thank you for your website and your project. I write in hopes that you will include the loss of very young aged children, those of “miscarriage” age in your project. Our daughter (as a mother I believe I know she is a girl) died a little over a year ago. We buried her 5 days after. We live a true grief struggle, our child is dead. But because of her age most of the world seems intent on complicating that by not even being able to acknowledge her as very real, much less any grief about losing her (-ie-there is something wrong with us if we do)-and we are forever devalued by comparisons of older age children, esp. those of late term/birth age as some form of “proof” that our loss isn’t worth much. Yet, I go through very much of what I read about the loss of older children. Last year was a blur, I (we)will never be that same, and I am having to work at a “new me”. If our grief were “allowed”, perhaps we would be closer to the magical better place other’s think we should be.
My husband: Beloved Father of our child:
Much confusion has been added to this journey for my husband because of what I have written above. I do believe much has been stymied. Her age alone was hard enough for him; trying to comprehend how he could grieve someone he didn’t get to hold or “bond” with. Profound agitation -yet flat out-extreme refusal of any acknowledgment on father’s day; because he “didn’t get to DO/BE enough Dad things for her, like the other Dads”. These are a few of the things that hurt him among a myriad of others. But it is hard to find a “safe” place to grieve or even find out about Dad’s grieving because of one so, so young. A prior search to find things for men and grief of their children only added to the pain, because it minimized or totally discluded “miscarriage” age -and I can’t describe our sensitivity and the ingrained filter we have acquired in our search for help that includes the age of our child instead of dismissing it. For me that has included support groups and a therapist on the NO list so far.
Thank you so much for your time and care for grieving Dads,
Gail
Gail,
You have my word that I will include the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth and prenatal decisions due to several fetal anomalies. I agree 100% that these parents are often overlooked as being “bereaved parents”. I know this because I lost my daughter Katie at 17 weeks pregnancy and my son Noah at 22 weeks pregnancy. We met many of my close friends through a support group sponsor by a local chapter of SHARE. They have all experienced the loss a child to still birth/miscarriage and the pain I see and hear from them is no different than the pain I hear from dads that lost an infant, toddler, teenager or grown child. It’s the same pain, grief, guilt and “what if’s” that all of us carry regardless of the circumstances surrounding our loss.
I have interviewed dads from all walks of life (ethnicity, religious beliefs, socio-economic status, etc) and reasons for loss as a way to capture the truth about what dad’s experience after the loss of a child.
I encourage your husband to acknowledge Father’s Day. Regardless of what others think, he is most definitely a daddy to that little girl.
Thank you very much for writing and sharing your story. Please feel free to stop by here anytime to vent or encourage others.
Peace.
Kelly Farley
My friend passed along your link. Glad to have found you.
Brenda,
I am glad she shared this blog with you. Thanks for being here, welcome.
Kelly
Thanks for the words to help my grieving and healing from the loss of our son, David, just 5 days before his 22nd birthday, after a more than two year battle with rhabdomyosarcoma cancer.
Gene,
You are welcome. I am very sorry for the loss of your son David, I understand the pain you carry in you heart. Please know that this is a safe environment to express whats on you mind, what ever that is. I welcome full expression of thoughts and feelings here at this blog, its an important part of getting it out.
Thanks for stopping by the Grieving Dads blog, stop back any time.
Peace.
Kelly
Hi Kelly,
I recently stumbled into your site and signed up for your emails. I just read yesterdays post and now I need to go back and read the rest of your posts, but this has been another very long day and I’m ‘exhausted’.
First, please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your children. No parent should ever have to bury a child, but to lose both your son and your daughter is beyond unimaginable. I do so hope that your Grieving Dads Project provides you with additional focus and strength. I applaud you for taking control and for helping others who have also suffered the loss of a child.
I lost my son Paul, age 23, just four years ago. As a cancer survivor several years earlier, I thought I had already survived the worst life could toss at me. Little did I know that the cancer wasn’t even a speed bump relative to Paul’s death.
Like you, I too had to do something or go insane. My projects were the establishment of two scholarship funds; building a website (www.paulfarris.org) honoring my son and as a place for his friends and family to ‘visit’ and remember Paul; and actively engaging in advocacy to save other innocent lives (www.PursuitSAFETY.org). So my projects give me focus but definitely leave me tired most of the time.
I think that your taking extended time off work was a great idea. I did not, but in hindsight I should have done the same. My interest in work has never been lower, so I’m considering leaving my job very soon to take a 4-6 month sabbatical and travel with my spouse. I’ll use that time to figure out what I want to do in the future.
Thanks for what you’re doing – it does make a difference. Wishing you moments of peace and strong, loving memories of Noah & Katie.
Warmest regards,
Jon
Jon,
I want to start by saying how sorry I am for the loss of your son Paul. I know the pain you carry in your heart.
The Grieving Dads Project has provided me with an extreme amount of healing, focus and strength. It helps me tremendously knowing that others are finding hope and support hear on this blog.
I too applaud you for the work you are doing to honor your son Paul. I am sure you find a sense of healing by reaching out and helping others.
I totally get your “low interest in your work”. If you can take the “time away” I highly recommend it. It allows time to self reflect on your personal life as well as reflecting on your son Paul. I am a big believer in redirecting your life and it has been shattered. It is not easy to do so I applaud you for even thinking about making these changes.
Thanks for sharing here on this blog. Please stop back often.
Peace.
Kelly
Kelly-
I stumbled across your website and am eternally grateful that I did. My husband and I lost our daughter Safia during pregnancy on July 27th, 2010. Passing the one year mark was harder than I imagined it would be, especially since we are pregnant again with a son. I think every day about my daughter and remember her as any parent would, regardless of the perceptions of others. My husband however suffers in silence. I can feel his pain radiating out when I bring up Safia, and I feel lost in trying to reach him. I will show him your site, and hope that it will somehow help ease his pain to see that other men feel as he does. Thank you so much for sharing your story and creating this wonderful place.
Much Love -
Morgan
Morgan,
I am glad you found this blog. I am sorry for the loss of your daughter Safia. Anniversaries and due dates are always difficult. I love the name Safia, beautiful. Thank you for sharing this blog with your husband. I hope he can find some sort of connection here with others. Please let him know that he can call or email me outside of this blog if he needs to speak with another dad that has also lost a baby during pregnancy. I get the pain he carries. It is always hard to see other dads holding the hand of their little girls that would be the same age as my Katie.
Thank you for stopping by the blog.
Peace.
Kelly
i stumbled upon your website today as i was mornin the very recent loss of my 6 week old baby girl due to sids. as like in some of the stories i saw i was raised its not right for a man to cry ,toughen up, if its not broken or bleeding it doesn’t hurt. thats bogus im full of pain and hate at the moment lots of ppl think im coping but truth is i am hanging on by a thread and on the brink of a melt down. reading some of the stories here on your site has deff made some impact. and truth betold this is the second child me and my wife has lost our 2nd pregnancy was twins our girl made it with no complacations but her twin brother jayden william was still born and they still donot know hwy it happened. so before i go i would like to say jayden william and autumn rayne, daddy misses you both and will love you fore ever.
Bobby – It is bogus and a wrong message to send. I see that now, but I too bought into that mentality. I now know I was wrong, but learning is a part of life. No matter how hard the lesson is.
I am sorry for the loss of your baby boy Jayden. I wish there were words that I could say that would take away your pain, but there isn’t. But please know I am here, we are all here for you if you ever need to vent. Feel free to call me or email me as well if you need to speak to another grieving dad that gets your pain.
Peace.
Kelly
Hi, Kelly.
Thanks for creating such a powerful site. I found it today and it has been a cathartic discovery. I’m sitting at my desk while family and friends gather about 1,000 miles north to honor our son, Grant, who died suddenly at just six weeks old on Thanksgiving. It is heartwarming that those who couldn’t travel here for his memorial service are coming together to honor him and support my wife and me from afar.
We adopted Grant, but he also had an “older sister” who was born through fertility treatments to us at 21 weeks. She survived just a little while outside the womb. And there was a miscarriage before that. I never could imagine that we’d have as much heartache compressed in just two years. It’s unfathomable. With Grant, we had found joy, but for far too short a time.
Your Thanksgiving post was especially poignant. And despite life being pretty empty right now, I am thankful for all the people who love us and hold us so close.
I’ll check back often… and pre-order that book, too.
Thanks for such meaningful articulation.
- Thom
I too am a grieving father. I was married at 18 and a father by 20. My son passed away on August 29, 2009. He would have turned 19 two weeks to the day after his death. His mom and I are divorced and have a good relationship. She had another child but Zachary was my only child. I believe that people that do not know me think very little about this because I am/was a gay father. This is the closest site I have found that somewhat recognizes what I have lost…an incomplete future with no grandchildren. I can’t seem to move past this. I guess I never will.
Jason,
I am sorry for the death of your son Zachary. As you know, there are no words I can say that will erase the pain you carry.
He is your son regardless, I am sorry your pain is discounted by others because you are gay. I don’t care what your background, beliefs, interests, etc are, you lost your son and it hurts. Thats all that matters. I think a lot of people discount mens grief in general because we are supposed to be the tough ones. The ones that are supposed to be the pillar of strength. Its not fair, but thats how society looks at it.
My upcoming book discusses this issue. I am here for you Jason if you ever need to talk to another grieving dad. Please feel free to contribute to the discussions that occur here on the blog.
Peace.
Kelly
Another stumbled upon story… trying to find out if the feelings I have are “normal” and here I am.
My wife and I have an amazing busy busy busy baby boy who will turn 2 on 6-11-12. We wanted 2 children relatively close in age and became pregnant around thanksgiving last year. Fast forward to 20 weeks along, March 2012 and she didn’t feel “right”…. possible braxton hicks, possible labor so she went in. The news as you can guess wasn’t promising, rushed to L&D NICU where we heard many different things, we can try this, we might be able to do that, etc until somehow all options had been exhausted. We were the 1 in a million+. Reliving those events as I type…. devastating. We had to let labor take its course and have our baby @ 20 weeks, obviously no hope for sustained life. Absolute fu<k!ng devastation. Twelve hours later, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Danylynn, she was born @ 0749 and passed 5 short, incredibly painful minutes later. We heard multiple reasons why, but as the weeks unfolded and test results came back we had no definitive answers, one of those cases that couldn't be explained. Seriously?!?!? I don't sleep much or well, have days that totally consume me with emotion, question everything that is supposed to "be"… how, why did this happen to us? I guess I'm just rambling about now. I haven't been able to shake the broken and wronged feelings, coupled with extreme sadness and extremely f'n angry . It is unfair, for me, for every other good person that this happens to. I am truly sorry for anyone that has experienced something similar. I am extremely thankful for my wonderful little boy, if it weren't for him, I may not be.
I would say "god bless", but is there one? At this point it is hard to believe.
Josh,
Thank you for your posting. I want to start by saying “I am sorry for the death of your baby girl.” I know the pain you are experiencing all to well. I lost both of my children around the same preg time frame. Just reading your story brought me back to the delivery room and the time I spent with my son Noah.
It is devastating and yes, what you are experiencing is a normal response to a not so normal situation. Everything you explain, I also felt. Lots of questions and emotions.
I want to let you know that I am here for you and so are most of the people that visit this blog so please continue to visit the site or email/call me if you need to talk.
Peace.
Kelly
My 12-year-old son passed away after a 9 year battle with leukemia. I’m a heavy-haul trucker and as such am often away from home. Toward the end we were “lucky” that Matthew could travel with me and we could enjoy some togetherness time.
Still, even after those trips together, I still found myself begging him not to go. He had such strong faith that he knew we would grieve when he was gone. He told me, “Daddy I don’t want you to suffer” and “I want you to have peace.” This from a child who had battled cancer and chemo for almost a decade!
Through my grief I have to remember to believe as he did and believe that he is waiting in Jesus’ arms for me to join him someday.
That, of course, can be little comfort on the days I miss him so much I hurt.
Dan,
Thank you for sharing your story. My dad was a long haul trucker and I rarely spent much time with him. I can tell you Matthew cherished the time he was able to spend with you on your trips.
I am so sorry for your loss. Believe him when he told you he wants you to have peace. I will take time for the peace to come, but hang on to it. Reach out to others that are or have traveled this road. There is a brotherhood.
Know he is waiting for you and how beautiful that day will be when you can hold him in your arms again. I know I can’t wait to see my two babies again. It will be an awesome day.
I am here if you need me Dan.
Peace.
Kelly
Wow! It is nice to see someone with the same passion as myself….I recently suffered a loss of my own and it led me on a campaign to bring healing into my own life by sharing my story with others who were going through the same things..I have workshops called After the Storm/Recovering from Persona Loss and Grief…Would be nice to learn more about what you do! Blessings!
My wife and I recently lost our baby girl Maya on June 16th of this year. Maya only lived for 9 short hours. We don’t have any answers to why Maya died. All we know is that she couldn’t breathe on her own and she didn’t have a stable heartbeat 27 mins into her life here on earth. I struggle through my emotions everyday and I’m trying to find my new normal.
I would like to express my deepest and most sincere condolences to everyone here who has lost a child. I have found that expressing my emotions through a blog has helped me cope. If you’d like to connect with me my blog is http://www.daddyofanangel.com. You can read Maya’s full story there.
Thank you for this amazing site! I will visit often. It’s wonderful to know I’m not alone.
-Hackie
Hackie – You are welcome for the site, its been healing for me to be able to help the dads the are seeking others so they do not feel alone. I am sorry you find a reason to be here.
I am sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl Maya. As you know this is a tough tough journey. Please know that we are here for you anytime you need us.
You are not alone and yes, please stop by often.
Peace.
Kelly
Hi Hackie,
I came on to leave a comment about my mother’s bf who just lost his 21 y/o son a couple of days ago and saw this and wanted to respond to you.
My mom and dad had the exact same experience over 40 years ago before I came along. My sister lived for only 48hrs and was lost for the exact same reason and no explanation.
My mom always told me that she only wanted one child and would not have had me had she survived. I don’t know what if anything this comment is supposed to do or my reason for responding and all of us are different. But, just know that I post this comment with all well intentions and hoping that somehow it is relevant and is of benefit.
Nelson
Hi everyone,
My mother’s boyfriend of 5 years just lost his son Monday. Needless to say he is not doing very well at all. I would like to get him some help, but not sure if it is too soon, or even my place. But I feel called to help somehow and wondering if there are any types of retreats, cruise anything along those lines out there and if this is even a healthy approach.
I am hitting google but nothing tangible yet, other than this great resource, so I thought I’d post here.
I’ve been thinking that I would be willing to send him on some sort of retreat in Hawaii or some place like that for this kind of situation and wondering if this exists that anyone can recommend? Thanks in advance for any links or resources and I am sorry for your loss if you have or are going through this now.
Nelson