You are currently browsing the Grieving Dads Project blog archives for October, 2011.
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Archive for October, 2011
“Constant Mind F**K”
Constant Mind F**K
A couple of weeks ago I interviewed fellow grieving dad, Bryan. Bryan’s almost 3-year-old son Charlie had died about 7 months prior to complications with the flu. I was interviewing Bryan for my upcoming Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back book due out in January. Bryan is one of the last interviews that I conducted for this book and I am glad we were able to speak. One of the many issues we discussed is how often times flashbacks to the moment occur out of no where and how as men we tend to beat ourselves up regarding the should’ve, would’ve and could’ve. Thoughts such as “I should have been able to protect my child and my family from this.” We tend to “run it through” our minds over and over again to try to find the answer of how we could have changed the outcome. If we were given another chance, we would have done something different. As Bryan so eloquently put it, “it’s like a constant mind fuck”. All of this “stuff” that rattles around in our head. It takes time to process all of these thoughts and second guessing that goes on inside of all of us. Comments we receive from others like “it was meant to be” is complete bullshit and most grieving parents will tell you that. It wasn’t meant to be, however, it still has to be processed.
As bereaved parents, I believe our brains and our nervous systems have been forever damaged on some level. That’s not to say we will not go back to a life in which we can function, but we will never go back to the person we were before. This is another issue that tends to mess with your mind. Along with may others.
One of my main issues is I should have never gone through fertility treatments. I should have just let it be what it was instead of trying to circumvent nature. That is one of many that I had to process/deal with.
What are the types of issues you are internalizing, second guessing or processing? We all do it, care to share yours?
Thanks to Bryan for being open with this subject and the struggles he faces as he travels this path.
*Note to my subscribers: I am sorry for the lack of posts in recent weeks. My blog had been hacked by a Turkish Terrorist Group (no, really) and I have spent a lot of time with help from other specialists getting this blog back up and running smoothly. Sorry to those of you who rely on this blog for support. Steps have been taken to avoid this in the future.
“Long Drive”
Long Drive
I recently interviewed a grieving dad, Don, and we were discussing how we would often cry on our way to work in the morning. I drove to work, but he took public transportation. He said he would sit there and cry by himself thinking about his daughter who recently died after being struck by a vehicle. I told Don that although I had a short 10 minute commute to work, it felt like a very long drive.
A long drive from the standpoint that when I got in my car and pulled out of the driveway, I would start to cry and at times feel a sense of dread and panic. I had fear of going to the office, I knew I wasn’t performing to the level I was before the loss of my children and was worried that they would find out and fire me. There were some days where I couldn’t do it on my own and would start making frantic phone calls to whoever would answer. The person would answer and knew it was me. Not from my voice, I couldn’t speak, but from the silence of one fighting back his emotions. I couldn’t speak because as soon as I would hear the person’s voice, I would start to cry even harder. I desperately needed help and was trying to find it in small increments. I was trying to find someone that would hang on to me and not let go until I was done talking.
I hear from a lot of men who say they cry on their way to work. As I stated earlier, Don was no exception to this. However, his approach to this was much different than mine. Not better or worse, just different. I shared my experience with Don and then asked him, “While you were sitting there on the bus, did you ever wish someone would reach out to you and ask you if you were ok?” He quickly replied, “No, I would have been embarrassed.” I found this interesting because I would sit there wishing that someone would noticed me and the pain I was feeling and ask me if I was ok. I wished someone would have asked me that because I needed an outlet for my pain and needed to tell my story. I already had an answer just in case someone did ask. My answer to someone asking me if I was ok was, “no, my two babies have died.” I am sure that response would have really freaked them out, but that was the heavy load on my mind that needed to be said out load.
Based on my experiences, if I would ever see someone crying by themselves, I would most certainly ask them if they were ok. Obviously my goal wouldn’t be to embarrass them, but to let them know someone cares.
Did/do you often cry on the way to work?
Would you reach out to someone else that shows emotion in public?