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Archive for February, 2011
Silenced by Grief?
“Grief remains one of the few things that has the power to silence us.”
-Anna Quindlen
I thought this quote was a good topic to ponder and discuss here on this blog. I know I held my pain in silence for many years before the flood gates opened (not really opened, more like torn of the hinges). Not sure why my first response was to bury it and not talk about it. Maybe I thought I could handle it on my own just like everything else I had ever experienced in my life. I didn’t want to feel like I was burdening others with my problems. I didn’t want to be perceived as weak or a whiner by other men. I wonder how much pain I could have saved myself if I would have just started talking about my children’s death early on. Would it have made a difference? Hard to know at this point in time. I like to think it would have helped. I now believe that it takes a lot of courage to talk about your “feelings” and allow others to see your pain. A lot of courage.
Why is the concept of “letting it out” so difficult for men? Is it the way we were raised? Is it how we are genetically programmed? Are there other factors?
Let me know your thoughts on this topic. Why are men often times silenced by grief?
“Something Inside Died That Day”
I want to start this posting by saying thank you to Leon Harris for having the strength and courage to tell his story of child loss. Everybody’s story is different and all stories are welcomed here on this blog. His storyline is not often discussed because of the taboo nature of the topic. It takes courageous people like Leon to shed light on the reality of this pain and to let people know they are not alone and that others understand your pain. The following is his story of loss, love and pain:
Something Inside Died That Day
It started in 2004. I had planned on moving down to the Phoenix area and I ended up meeting someone down here from the internet. I didn’t move down here for her. It just so happened that I met her after I decided to move. I had come down to see her around Mother’s day that year. That’s when we knew. We hit it off very well. I ended up moving down here in June of that year. I guess things progressed pretty quickly for us. I was struggling with finding a job when I moved down here. I didn’t know what the future held, but I did know that I was very much in love with her. That love still exists, even after she did what she did.
We found out in July that she was pregnant. We both were very excited about it. We had planned to get married. No date set, mostly talk. We even went to the pre-natal appointments because we were planning on having this baby. I was doing contract jobs on and off at the time since I was unable to find a regular job back then. I will never forget this day. The day that changed my life forever. September 7th, 2004. I was actually doing one of the contract jobs when I received a phone call from her. What she told me caused something inside me to die that day. She told me she had aborted our child.
I got sent into a downward spiral. I started drinking heavily, being promiscuous, etc. I would cry myself to sleep at times. I lost my self esteem, my self respect. I couldn’t handle it, but I had no one to talk to. Even now, over 6 years later I have trouble talking about it.
We even tried to work it out afterwards because I tried forgiving her. She never stopped loving me. She told me she did it because she was scared and I wasn’t stable in work and she didn’t know what to do. We had tried working it out multiple times after that, but she had told me that every time she looked at me, she thought of our child and she couldn’t handle it. I found out later from her that the day she called me to tell me that, she hadn’t actually done it yet. I think she said she actually did it like 3 days later. Because we had originally planned on keeping it, I have an ultrasound from 9 weeks. Our child was aborted at 11 weeks. That is the only thing I have to remember my child. I will always love her though, despite what she did. It just still hurts to think about what happened.
It damaged me emotionally. I keep to myself mostly. My whole outlook on life has changed. I think what has helped me the most is that I found my way back to God and now he helps me through life. I left out a lot of in-between details, but this is the main part of my story. I hope it can help someone in the same situation. I felt completely alone. I just want people out there in this situation to know that you are not alone.
“Give Your Loved One’s Story A Voice” – Truisms About Grief
I have been posting a series of “Truisms About Grief” that I received from fellow grieving dad and friend, Charlie Schmidtke. I met Charlie as part of this grieving dads project. Please share your thoughts or stories regarding this subject.
It is crucial to give your loved one’s story a voice. It is important to develop a willingness and ability to talk about your loved one’s life and about your feelings about them. Too many parents, spouses, siblings, etc. are left voiceless once “normal” living is supposed to return. Other people seem to impose an unfair timetable and seem to take away the grieving person’s need to talk about her loved one, or to hear his name being used. For those people who have not found their “voice” yet, I would encourage you to participate in a professionally sponsored grief group, so you will learn how to speak about your loved one’s story with others who are willing to listen. For those of you who have learned to give “voice” to his story do not apologize for speaking. Of course there will be people and situations that will make telling the story difficult, if not impossible. Make sure you have friends or someone else who will truly continue to listen to the story and share in the meaning of what you have to say. This need should never cease. Be willing to listen to others’ stories too. Accept the fact that there will be times when you do not feel like talking or sharing your experiences. You may feel empty or that “what else is there to say”. These feelings are normal and may pass. If not, consider the possibility that you are becoming clinically depressed and need professional assistance.