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Archive for January, 2011
“Don’t Let Anyone Else Tell You” – Truisms About Grief
I have been posting a series of “Truisms About Grief” that I received from fellow grieving dad and friend, Charlie Schmidtke. I met Charlie as part of this grieving dads project. Please share your thoughts or stories regarding this subject.
Don’t let anyone else tell you when and how you should deal with your loved one’s personal effects, room, etc. How and when you should deal with those treasures varies widely. In fact, you may find that spouses, siblings, etc. have very different time schedules or ideas about what to do. Tolerance and patience should be the guide in determining the best ways for families to heal when attending to these issues. It is very destructive for someone to try to dictate to others when and how a child’s clothes, for example, should be handled. Be careful not to impose your time schedule on another family member’s grief either.
Affirmation for Those Who Have Lost
The following was sent to me by a fellow grieving dad, Stephen House who asked me to share it here on this blog. Let us know your thoughts.
An Affirmation for Those Who Have Lost
- James E. Miller
I believe there is no denying it: it hurts to lose.
It hurts to lose a cherished relationship with another,
Or a significant part of one’s own self.
It can hurt to lose that which has united one with the past
Or that which has beckoned one into the future.
It is painful to feel diminished or abandoned,
To be left behind or left alone.
Yet I believe there is more to losing than just the hurt and the pain.
For there are other experiences that loss can call forth.
I believe that courage often appears,
However quietly it is expressed,
However easily it goes unnoticed by others:
The courage to be strong enough to surrender,
The fortitude to be firm enough to be flexible.
I believe a time of loss can be a time of learning unlike any other,
And that it can teach some of life’s most valuable lessons.
In the act of losing there is something to be found.
In the act of letting go, there is something to be grasped.
In the act of saying “goodbye”, there is a “hello” to be heard.
For I believe living with loss is about beginnings as well as endings.
And grieving is a matter of life more than death.
And growing is a matter of mind and heart and soul more than of body.
And loving is a matter of eternity more than of time.
Finally, I believe in the promising paradoxes of loss.
In the midst of darkness, there can come great Light.
At the bottom of despair, there can appear a great Hope.
And deep within loneliness, there can dwell a great Love.
I believe these things because others have shown the way
Others who have lost and have then grown through their losing,
Others who have suffered and then found new meaning.
So I know I am not alone:
I am accompanied, day after night, night after day.
Empty Out Your Pockets
I received the following statement and response from a friend and fellow grieving dad. There is so much truth in the statement. I can relate with the “bizarre and unexplained behavior” because looking back I did my fair share of both and I know it was a direct result of not allowing myself to fully process the death of my two children. I eventually emptied out my “pockets” and aired them openly. I only wish I had realized this earlier in my grief. Maybe the fight would have been a little easier on me and the people around me. Let me know your thoughts on this posting.
“Deposits of unfinished grief reside in more American hearts than I ever imagined. Until these pockets are opened and their contents aired openly, they block unimagined amounts of human growth and potential. They can give rise to bizarre and unexplained behavior which causes untold internal stress.”
I SO agree with this statement! But why generally is it SO TRUE? In my grief, I have personally committed to do my best to fearlessly embrace my grief journey and NOT embrace or create “deposits of unfinished grief” for me or my family. But here’s the challenge.
Not only are human beings self-centered but we as Americans have a very self centered culture. As a result we are cowards when it comes to grief/loss/suffering. The “American Dream” for a family does NOT include your child’s death! Yet it happened to us and these events happen every day to people all around us. So what are we to think and more important, what are we to do? Should we believe we have been abandoned and there is no purpose in our loss? I don’t think so!
I know I should fully acknowledge the deep pain of the loss, remember that this life IS NOT all there is and look for the reason in the loss and embrace being useful for those around me who are also suffering deeply in their loss. If the soul ripping agony of my grief now enables me to FULLY understand, to fearlessly connect with other grieving people, to comfort them and point them to a real hope that is found NOW and after this life, then there is grand purpose in my grief and loss.
I think the real “block” is most people reject the idea that grief/loss/suffering has a grand purpose and the purpose is not to disillusion, depress or destroy us. It is to DEMONSTRATE fearless living and drive us to be committed to compassionately connect with hurting people all around us.
Redemption by David Haddock
Redemption
About a week ago, an idea zoomed into my feeble mind. I decided that I would make a small concrete marker, engrave my daughter’s three initials on it and place it in a memorial area I have in a corner of our front yard. Eight years ago, after my daughter’s death, I built a wooden bench out of two by fours and placed it in the memorial area. I had been off work for about ten days following her death, and I needed something to do with my hands, so I built the bench. I used to sit on the bench quite a bit and feel sad. Over time I added a few decorations to the memorial area in the form of small, ceramic type animals and even a miniature gnome. I would encourage every bereaved parent to find a small bit of ground in their yard and designate it as a memorial area. There’s all sort of flowers, bushes, and decorations that can be placed there in memory of our child. Some parents plant a small tree and as they watch it grow, take comfort in the fact that they’ve done it in their child’s memory.
Anyway, I bought a bag of mortar mix, made a wooden form, poured the mix in it, let it set up, engraved the three initials into the marker and finally placed the small marker in the memorial area. I put small,white marble rocks around the marker, and all in all, I was satisfied with my efforts even though the marker was not perfect.
As I sat on the replacement bench (the old one finally began to fall apart) in the memorial area and looked at the marker, a thought came into my mind-”I’ m trying to redeem myself!” That’s right,I thought, I’m doing these things to try to redeem myself in my own eyes. Why the thought would come to me at that exact moment, I don’t know, but as I spent some time reflecting on it, I decided that it was true. Don’t get me wrong, doing things like the marker project and writing have been good for me. And a small project that fosters the memory of my daughter,Bonnie, has to be right and good. So I plan to continue these projects. If anything I write is beneficial to even one other bereaved parent, then something positive has been accomplished. It’s just that now, I better understand my basic motivation. I’m trying to make up for being a shoddy parent, in some ways, to my youngest child.
My inexpensive paperback Webster’s Pocket Dictionary has five definitions for the word “redeem”. Definition number two is: “to atone for”. I now believe that is my main motivation as I do projects and continue to write. I am trying to make up for my shortcomings and failures as Bonnie’s father. I am not throwing a pity party, but simply trying to express the truth about myself as I now see it. I suspect that some other fathers will see themselves in what I’m saying.
The bottom line is that I plan to press on with projects and writing. None of us can change the past, but perhaps we can improve the future. Even if our motivation is not exactly “pure” (I’m speaking of myself), let’s go ahead and do what we can to make the world a better place in whatever way we can.
Written by David Haddock
Clinton, Mississippi
In loving memory of
Bonnie Catherine Haddock
(02/06/1985-08/13/2010)