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Archive for September, 2010
Change In Seasons
Change In Seasons by Kelly Farley
Not sure what it is, but I really dislike the transition from summer to fall. It’s not so much the weather; it’s the change in the weather. The days are getting shorter and cooler and I know that winter is right around the corner. There is this thick blanket of gray clouds that starts to settle in around early November and hangs around until about April. Yeah, there are a few days of sunshine thrown in over the next 6 months, but nowhere near enough for me.
I have always hated the long bitter cold winters of the upper Midwest, but they have become a lot harder for me over the last 6 years. Ever since the loss of my children, I find it much more difficult to ignore. It seems to magnify the reality that they have died. I am not sure why, but every day is a battle this time of year to fight off the dread and sadness that lurks beneath the surface. I refuse to let it get the best of me, so I keep fighting. Early mornings are especially rough. It seems to be at its worst first thing in the morning when I wake up to the reality of the trauma that I have been through and what my life has become. I use to be naïve to what people go through in life. I was blessed to have never felt the blunt impact of trauma until the loss of my first child.
Yes, I am a grieving dad and I will be for the rest of my life, but I refuse to let it define me or destroy me. I am constantly setting and reaching new goals in order to find some sort of hope for the future. I don’t do this to run from the pain of losing a child; I do this so I don’t get stuck in the depths of despair. I spent a lot of time there early in my grief journey, but I refuse to allow myself to go back there. So I continue to challenge myself to live a life that would make my children proud. Much like the change in seasons, I too must find ways to make changes in my life.
I know what despair feels like, but I also know what hope feels like after the despair starts to lift. My promise to all grieving dads out there is that “I will continue to work hard to bring awareness to what dads go through and I will continue to reach out to help you escape the grips of despair and to once again find hope in this life”
“Urgent but Unimportant”
Urgent but Unimportant
“My child arrived just the other day
Came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
He was talking fore I knew it
And as he grew he said
I’m gonna be like you dad,
You know I’m gonna be like you
And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon……”
In 1974, Harry Chapin made a #1 hit out of his song, “Cats in the Cradle.” The folk song/ballad tells the story of a father who keeps promising his young son that he will spend time with him, but never gets around to it. The “necessities” of life occupied the father’s time, and as the young boy grew, he told his father that he was going to be just like him-”like father, like son” is often a true expression. Finally, the son is grown and has a family of his own. Now, the father is begging the son for some of the son’s time, but the son has no time for his father just as his father had no time for him. “I’m gonna be just like you, dad” became a self fulfilling prophecy.
As I reflect back on times when my deceased daughter was a little girl and a young teen, I recognize that I spent time on things that seemed urgent at the time, but weren’t really very important in the overall “scheme” of things. I agree that the flat tires had to be fixed, the grass had to be cut before it became a jungle, and yes, the stopped up toilet had to be dealt with. These small (in the “scheme” of life) things were urgent to an extent and had to be dealt with at the time, but there were plenty more things that seemed urgent that were really optional and could have waited. Perhaps that wood project that I wanted to finish, or that movie that I wanted to see, or that favorite tv show that I really wanted to watch, or that golf game could have waited while I did something more important-spend quality time with a little/young girl. Maybe my little daughter, Bonnie, would have appreciated a little more time with old dad (I do think that young girls sometimes “gravitate toward dad more than mom). I believe that it is human nature to be selfish with our time-I want to do what I want to do, and I want to do it when I want to do it!! But a mature, thoughtful parent can see through the “smoke” and focus on what’s really important. And spending quality time with your child is one of those important things. I use the adjective “quality” connected to the word “time” because I recognize that there were occasions when I spent time with my young children, but it was “under protest”- (I felt obligated) and I didn’t really enjoy it-maybe my children were too young to notice-hope so!
I hope the tone of this short article has not been too negative. I’m simply trying to be honest about myself and give some good advice to younger parents. It is true that they (your children) grow up before you know it. Why not put off some of those “urgent” but not really important things and spend some quality time with your child/children now. It’s an investment that you will be glad you made. And, for us older parents, maybe we can spend some quality time with our grandchildren.
Time is fleeting
As often the clock chimes,
So let’s be sure we’re meeting,
Our child’s biggest need-our time!
Written by David Haddock
Clinton, Mississippi
in Loving Memory of Bonnie Catherine Haddock (02/06/1985-08/13/2002)
“Hand in Friendship” – Just for Today
“Just for Today” for Bereaved Parents – (Section 6)
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent for I do know how they feel.
I must say that I have been blessed by the friendships I have made with all of the dads (and many moms) as part of this GrievingDads.com Project. I have said this before, but there is healing in helping others and spending time with others that have also experienced this unspeakable loss. I encourage everyone that reads this to reach out to another bereaved parent to help them but to also help you.
I received the ”Just for Today” poem from a fellow grieving dad and friend that I met through this project. I have been posting separate sections of the poem to ponder. The poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham.