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Archive for June, 2010
Who Were You Then – A Poem from a Grieving Dad
I received this poem from a Ed Mann. Ed is a grieving dad that lost his son to suicide. Thank you to Ed for sharing another one of your poems.
Who Were You Then By Ed Mann Didn’t I see you laughing, not that long ago? Your eyes were bright, you took delight your spirit was aglow Weren’t you the one I saw dancing beneath the summer sun? Light on your feet, you beat the heat by staying on the run Didn’t I hear you reciting sonnets for your love? Your words rang true, with feelings you knew your soul did rise above Weren’t you the one I saw playing, upon the gilded stage? The role you had was not so sad, in life you were engaged But now you’re gone and I muddle on Wondering who you were A teacher or a student A devil or a saint Or just another human being railing against your fate But missing you is what I do while I connect the clues Why some know strife then take their life instead of breaking through And I pray that now you see that there was another way because hope outshines the madness and always wins the dayEmotions after the Death of a Child: Anxiety
This is a continuation of the “emotion series” blogs that I will be writing about. As a father, these are many of the emotions that I experienced after the loss of my two children. I thought I would begin with the emotions/feelings that begin with the letter “A”.
Anxiety: I must say I never understood when people talked about “feeling” anxiety. I never understood it because I had never experienced it. That is until I lost both of my children. My world was turned up side down as I spiraled out of control while trying to keep my head above water. I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts, crazy thoughts. Thoughts that came at me by the thousands. I couldn’t stop them. I felt like my life was literally coming unglued. Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like? I couldn’t shut down my thoughts. I was becoming obsessed with thinking about everything that happened.
I believe my anxiety was caused by a direct strain on my nervous system. The strain? The death of my children. Shock and trauma that was inflicted upon me. How will I cope? I didn’t. The anxiety and panic set in, fear shortly followed.
I remember one incident where I was at the grocery store with my wife. It was later in the evening so there were not many people around. I was standing in one of the isles when I felt a warm sensation run thought my body. I started shaking while I fought back tears. I felt claustrophobic and wanted to take off running out of the store. I took a few deep breaths until I was able to get it under control. Not sure what triggered it, but this wasn’t the only incident, it seemed to happen quite often. Eventually I was able to identify when an anxiety attack was about to hit.
It was something that I constantly felt on some level. The severe attacks come out of no where and were usually followed by tears. That seemed to be the only way to release it.
Over a long period of time and once my grief started to subside, my anxiety started to go away. It’s been a couple of years since I had an attack, but I remember them like it was yesterday.
Do you have any stories of anxiety attacks that you would like to share? Feel free to send them to me or post them as a comment to this blog.
Happy Father’s Day? My child Has Died
It’s that time of year again, Father’s Day. It’s hard to get excited about this day if you have had a child die. For this father, this day is more about remembering the children that are no longer with me in the physical sense.
I’ll be spending this Father’s Day out on the road interviewing other grieving dads for this project. I am trying to bring some sort of awareness to the many dads that have lost children and struggle everyday to get out of bed and do something positive to honor their child that has died.
Many of the fathers I meet that have lost children feel like they let them down as a father. They should have protected them. That’s what a father does right? Protect. We are also “fixers” and we like to fix things, but we couldn’t fix the problems that were wrong with our children or the situation our children found themselves in.
Many of these dads struggle with seeing the words “Happy Father’s Day”. Seeing that statement gnaws at the already festering wound that has yet to heal, it’s a wound that never completely heals. Over time you can get through the loss of a child, but you never get beyond it. Can you eventually get back on your feet and learn to enjoy life again? Yes. Will you life ever go back to the way it was? No.
Is it possible to have a “Happy” Fathers Day after a loss of a child? Yes, but for very different reasons than most people think. The happiness comes into play when you reflect on the time you spent with your child, although you wished you had more time. You’re happy because it was an honor to be their dad. The love you feel inside for that child makes you smile and hurt at the same time. The happiness for these fathers does not come from a gift that was wrapped up real nice and given to them on this day. The happiness comes from the gift of being their dad.
If you know a dad that has experienced the death of a child, don’t be afraid to reach out to him on this day or any day for that matter. As difficult of a day it is, he would love to hear from you. Someone acknowledging that he is a dad, a dad that has experienced the death of a child.
Emotions After the Death of a Child: Anger
I will be doing a series of blogs about some of the emotions that I experienced and that many of the grieving dads that I have spoken with have also experienced. I thought I would begin with the emotions/feelings that begin with the letter “A”.
Anger: The word alone provides many thoughts and images. But for many of the dads, anger is the one emotion society allows for men. It’s what men do, we get angry. Unfortunately, for many grieving dads, they get stuck there and the anger begins to fester over time. The following is a list of things that anger many of the grieving dads I have spoken to as part of this project:
- They become angry at themselves for not being able to protect their child.
- They become angry because the life they once knew is gone.
- They become angry at God for allowing the loss to occur.
- They become angry because the world keeps moving after their loss, like nothing happened. “My child has died, how can the world keep moving?”
- They’re angry at people who may have had a role in the death of their child.
- They are angry because some people around them just want them to “get over it and get back to the old you’”.
- They are angry because they lost control of themselves and their emotions.
- They are angry at their employers for not understanding that their performance at work has been forever impacted and that they are not the same person as they were before. It’s hard to care about things that just do not seem to matter.
- They are angry because they have lost hope and can’t seem get find it.
These are just a few things that have been shared with me over the last several months. Is there anything you would like to add as far as “what makes you angry?” Feel free to comment.